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HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU??
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30
am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am
- Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM - Played
in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk
bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched
TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT
DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity…
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although
I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the
carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments
about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today
I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I
must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more
than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
__________________
GIRLS NIGHT OUT.....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would
be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m.,
a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with
such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos
plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"..
. he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When
I asked
him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed
another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table
and farted.
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| EOD: Doing what they do best...? HEHEHEHEHEHE |
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My
daughter will never have a living boyfriend
Little Bruce and Jenny are only
10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up
With something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if
the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable
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GEORGE CARLIN'S SOLUTION
TO SAVE GASOLINE
Bush wants us to cut the
amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! There would be 11
million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq
to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and
ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants
to come to America then he must serve
a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's
there and tax him on it.
After his tour, he wil l be
allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse
to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without
the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
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A Soldier, Sailor, Airman and Marine got into an argument as to which
service was "the best."
The arguing became so intense the four
servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were all struck and
killed instantly.
Soon the servicemen found themselves at the Pearly
Gates where they met St. Peter. They decided only he could be the
ultimate
source of truth and honesty. So, the four asked him, "St.
Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the
best?"
After a few moments he replied that he could not answer that and would
have to kick it up to God for an answer
the next time he saw Him.
Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven.
Some time later
the four see St. Peter and remind him of the question
they had asked when first entering Heaven. Suddenly a sparkling white
dove
lands on St. Peter's shoulder. there is a note, glistening with
gold dust, in the dove's beak. "T his must be the answer
from the Boss,
let's see what it says." He opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust
drifts into the air, harps play
crescendos, and St. Peter reads aloud to
the servicemen.
MEMORANDUM: FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY.
TO: Soldiers,
Sailors, Airmen and Marines.
SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST.
Gentlemen all branches of the United States
Armed Forces are honorable
and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being
servicemen in the United
States Military represents a special calling
warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.
Sincerely,
GOD
CPO,
USN (Ret.)
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CLICK HERE FOR VERY FUNNY VIDEO
9 feet, 1 inch - 97 lbs.
DEEP-FRIED RATTLESNAKE
1 medium-sized rattlesnake (3-4 lbs.), cut into steaks
1/2
cup flour
1/4 cup cornmeal
1/4 cup cracker crumbs
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder (not garlic
salt)
1 teaspoon salt
dash pepper
Mix dry ingredients. Whisk milk into beaten egg and use to dip snake steaks.
Then coat them with dry ingredients. Fry, uncovered, in 400 degree oil until brown.
Yum,Yum!
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